Weighing In

A constant reminder to myself.
I am fearfully & wonderfully made.
(and so are you!)

The Olympics Make Me Feel Lazy

I’ve been watching the Olympics like it’s my job.
And also weeping because not too long ago, I was in London myself.
Does anyone else look at the 16 year olds competing and think,
“man, I’m not doing enough with my life.”

No?
Yeah…me either…

Swisserland

"I can hardly believe that was my life," I reminisced aloud of my semester abroad to Levi as we drove to Sonic for happy hour. I was tagged in a slew of pictures recently--ones of my three week backpacking adventure across Europe after spending an entire semester in Greece--and as I scrolled through the images, me in front of the Eiffel Tower or eating a waffle in Belgium, none of it seemed real.

It must have been a dream, a dream that started in Interlaken, Switzerland.

 

We stayed in Interlaken for two nights, taking day-trips to nearby villages such as Spiez (for the castles!), Basel, and Grindelwald (the best!) We ate too much (swiss) chocolate, munched on (swiss) cheese and bread on train rides, and stayed at a cute little hostel with an elderly woman, who we named Heidi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The mountains were the most glorious thing I have ever seen.

Switzerland was a dream.

Closet Covets

  

dresses & fan necklace c/o Modcloth
bubble necklace c/o J.Crew

 

I have this theory that Modcloth wants me to be so poor that I’m forced to
eat ramen for the rest of my life. Thankfully, you can get the
J.Crew bubble necklace on eBay for cheap.
So at least there’s that.

Camp Time Babyyyyy

Well, I’m off to camp. And you know how I feel about camp.

Prayers that God will do big things would be greatly appreciated!
And also, prayers that we all survive? Because it has no A/C and we’re in Mississippi.
So there’s that.

Be back in a jiffy.

Typical Summer Night in Youth Ministry

Last night I attended Cinderella, a community theatre production starring one of my own little youth-group children, Katie. She was one of the evil stepsisters, guess which one she is:

 

She was hilarious, hamming it up constantly and flashing the audience her famous double-chin.

Afterwards, we went to The Dip for milkshakes and BBQ nachos (a Memphis staple).

These crazy girls have made my summer internship one that will not be forgotten.

 

Really, this is what most of my summer nights have been like. I have had an incredible summer!

The Top Knot

This morning I tried the
ever popular top knot and have
received so many compliments
that I am declaring it a weekly must.

 

…especially because it means I don’t
have to wash my hair as much anymore.

 

 

sweet.

The Time I Walked Across Abbey Road

It was the last day of free travel—a warm day in May--when I pretended I was a Beatle and walked across the infamous Abbey Road. As far as great people watching places go, Abbey Road is numero uno.

My friend and I sat and watched people try to get the “perfect shot” for about an hour. One guy even took his shoes off—he was serious. Then we were like, “What, were the Beatles not wearing shoes?” Turns out, Paul McCartney was barefoot.

There was also a teenage girl and her mother from the good ole’ southern United States. She was bratty and was like, “Mom this is embarrassing,” and yada yada. She provided a lot of entertainment for us, though.

The things you learn from people watching on Abbey Road.

Now you’re sad because you won’t be in London anytime soon, right? Well, I’m about to make your day. There is a live webcam 24/7 on Abbey Road. It’s awesome.

Thanks for the good times, London!

Monday: Shoes, the Bahamas, & Birth

1. #runningproblems

The greatest thing about being near Memphis is the Nike Outlet store. I have been on a norts (Nike shorts) kick all summer. Today, I bought new running shoes—yellow polka dot ones, at that. The best part? 60% off.

2. healthy living

For dinner, I made a power smoothie.

1 frozen banana
1/2 cup cooked oatmeal
2 tbsp. peanut butter
1 cup skim milk

Blend.

3. so this is love

I’ve been editing engagement photos for hours. I love, love, love how they are turning out!

4. cruisin’ the bahamas

My family leaves for a cruise to the Bahamas in 27 days! To say I’m excited is a bit of an understatement. Today I started looking into excursions. I’m thinking the kayak/snorkel excursion is something I have to do!

 
images c/o Carnival

5. The Business of Being Born

I am currently watching the documentary “The Business of Being Born.” It’s controversial, as it talks about how modern medicine/hospitals have seemingly convinced women that our bodies are not able to labor and birth babies on our own. We have to have that pitocin, epidural, get the women in and out. What happened to midwives and natural deliveries? I’m nowhere near having a child yet, but when I do, I’ll trust my body to do what God created it to do.

 

 

 

linking up

Engagement Pictures

Last summer, my life-long best friend was not-so-patiently waiting for her boyfriend, an LDS missionary, to return home from his calling in England. I took photographs of her so she could spice up her weekly letters. Today, in the same field, I had the privilege of taking their engagement photos. Their story is a brilliant romance—one that involves junior high dates, high school proms, the freshmen fifteen, and letters shipped weekly across the Atlantic Ocean.

They are so in love and I had no trouble capturing it:

 

The big day is set for:

 

…at the Memphis temple!

Kaylee, I am thrilled for you and Joey! What a perfect couple.

 

 

More pictures to come.

Hungry for Healing: {epilogue}

Thank you to those who have read this series on body image. It was long and this post was no exception, so I appreciate your investment. If you have questions/comments/or are struggling with similar issues, send me an email. I’d love to chat!

 
“In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die, and where you invest your love, you invest your life.” –Awake My Soul, Mumford & Sons

The past year of my life has been a beautiful journey.

The process of healing my body image issues, studying abroad in Greece, and having a youth ministry internship have been incredibly rewarding experiences. They have each presented unique opportunities and in them I have found much hope, love, and above all, faith.

Traveling to Greece, Turkey, and Israel to explore the Bible lands taught me what’s most important in life, and goodness did I fall in love with Jesus in a different type of way because I’ve had the experience of walking in his footsteps, quite literally. Tack on a group of 30 friends walking with you in pursuit of Jesus and the healing and growing is seemingly unstoppable.

Most interestingly to me, though, is why I had the feeling to publish this series now, a year after I wrote it. I never planned on publishing it. I didn’t want the attention/embarrassment of airing out an issue so deep in my heart. But still, I kept coming back to it until I finally clicked Publish and slammed my laptop closed.

Now I know exactly what God was doing.

Writing it was soup for my soul, sure, but nothing compares to hearing that it’s helping someone else. A girl in the youth group I am ministering to this summer came to me last night, tears brewing in her blue eyes, and said, “I don’t know what to do. I’m so insecure. All of these girls are beautiful and skinny and have boyfriends.”

It shocked me how verbatim her words were in comparison to how I used to feel.

While I can’t say that I have only positive thoughts about my body now, I can say that I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel and have heard the sweet whisper of Jesus in my ear, who tells me that we’re all wonderfully made.

And had I not ever gone through this, I wouldn’t have been able to sit on a bench with that sweet girl last night and explain to her that I know. I know. But it’s not true, those are Satan’s lies, and size 4 or size 16, she is beautiful. I am beautiful. YOU are beautiful.

My experience is not yours, and we won’t overcome in the same way. Jesus Christ was my saving grace, as He always is. If you don’t know him—if you haven’t learned of his absolute love for you—please seek him, because He’s waiting to flood your heart and mind with peace, hope, love, gratitude, confidence, and worth.

And that is how I overcame.

Hungry For Healing: {part 4}

I believe that God gives us struggles so that when we’ve persevered--when we’ve wandered through the desert and reached Living Water—we can turn it into a ministry. In the early days of June 2011, I was coming out of the desert and began writing a series of posts called ‘Hungry For Healing’ about body image. It was my therapy, but I wasn’t ready for it to be someone else’s. I didn’t have the guts to publish it and honestly, I’m not sure if I have the guts to hit that button now, either.

(part 1) (part 2) (part 3)

 
“You alone created my inner being. You knitted me together inside my mother. I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this.”
--Psalm 139:13-14

The late spring brought in a fresh beginning—fragrant flowers, warm sunshine and a personal new state of mind.

I was experiencing a wave of spiritual maturity and working, always working, on finding a balance between being weight-obsessed and the simple desire to be healthy. I was training hard for a half-marathon, a goal I had laid out for myself to run before my 21st birthday, November 1st.

The hard training I was doing—late nights on the track and early morning runs—was extremely gratifying. I felt capable, like with each pounding stride I was getting closer and closer to my goals and proving that even if I wasn’t (and would never be) a size 4, I could still clock 8 miles. Easy.

As the summer rolled on and the heat blazed, a new relationship started to take shape and form. It was that guy, the one who (unknowingly) kick-started this journey for me. We dated, and although it didn’t last long, our relationship taught me many things—some bad, mostly good. But the number one thing I walked away from it with was peace.

I had gotten what was, at the time, the most seemingly important thing to me: the boy. And at the time, my mind could have gone one of two ways; he’s breaking up with me because I’m not “well known” in our private university atmosphere/hot/cool and I’m losing everything, or I could look at it as an opportunity seized, but one that wasn’t working out.

I give credit to God that I recognized that we just didn’t work as a couple and it had nothing to do with the superficial things I believed about myself.

He liked me for me until he didn’t anymore, and that was fine.

The seasons began to change again, chilly weather and orange leaves, and with it another new state of mind:

I liked me for me.

 

 

*part 5 to follow, where I wrap this up nicely. You have all been kind. I cannot thank you enough.

Hungry For Healing: {part 3}

I believe that God gives us struggles so that when we’ve persevered--when we’ve wandered through the desert and reached Living Water—we can turn it into a ministry. In the early days of June 2011, I was coming out of the desert and began writing a series of posts called ‘Hungry For Healing’ about body image. It was my therapy, but I wasn’t ready for it to be someone else’s. I didn’t have the guts to publish it and honestly, I’m not sure if I have the guts to hit that button now, either.

(part 1) (part 2)

 

"We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil."
--Stasi Eldredge (Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul)

So I had lost the weight, where was this happiness promised?

That was where I was standing in April of 2011--thinner than I had ever been and waiting for what The World had promised me: joy, a boyfriend, the end of my weight-centered thoughts.

It never came, though, and I knew that I had missed it.

I couldn’t get past the heavy thoughts of how heavy I was because my mind was still in my 13-year old body, hearing the horrible nickname of “Tubby” on the school bus and constantly siding with anyone—everyone—but God when it came to my self-worth.

Still deep into the disorder and hating my body, hating that he still didn’t like me and hating that I wasn’t happy with myself, I prayed.

“God, help me find a worth that is far more than this weight.”

It was only a few days later that I was sitting in a coffee shop with a new friend, Claire, who was born with a birthmark on her face.

She knew about the struggle with self-image and was unknowingly becoming the answer to my prayers.

Not only had she struggled with body-image issues, but she is deeply in love with her Savior.

I felt God when I talked to her and I knew it was because the Spirit was working through her to give me the peace that I had so desperately prayed for only days before.

We talked a lot about self-confidence in the birth of our friendship and I saw the difference in Claire and I: she had found her worth in Christ.

I hadn’t. To me, my worth was in a number of other things—the number on the scale and my relationship status—but in Christ? Sadly, not at all.

It became my goal to change that.

If I could just be like Claire, I’d think. There I was again, comparing myself to yet another girl, but there was a difference. I wasn’t envious of her physical attributes, beautiful as she is. I was envious of her relationship with God, and that was new for me.

So it was also in April of 2011 that I began to stumble into finding freedom in Christ, and in part, I owe it Claire.

Love you Claire-bear. So happy to be roommates this fall!

 

*parts 4-5 to follow