She Works Hard For The Money

I once had a job where I dressed up like a chicken and danced on the side of the highway.

Just thought that might be something you would like to know.

Happy Weekend!

Utah Should Pay Me to Promote Their State.

As if you need to be told again, I went to Utah last summer and the Rocky Mountains changed my life.

Seriously, what a great state: mountains, lush greenery, sun beams between the mountains, the Mormons.

Anyway,

today I was sitting in chapel (paying attention, NOT #chapeltweeting) when I heard this announcement:

“The Harding Nursing Student Association will be selling Premier Jewelry in the Student Center tomorrow and on Wednesday, March 2^nd.  They are fundraising to be able to travel to the National Nurses’ Convention in Utah.”

I’m sorry, what? Since when was the Nursing Student Association going to Utah and WHY DIDN’T I KNOW?

I audibly gasped. And when I say audibly, I mean it was so loud that I practically sucked all of the air out of the Benson auditorium.

The guy sitting in front of me turned around with a look of confusion. His face was a mixture of “she’s cute” and “what’s wrong with her?”

I shook my head and dazily said,

“I just love Utah.”

True story.

I'll Risk Everything To Save My Shoes

There are many perks to being born the day after Halloween.

Other than the obvious reasons of candy and caramel apples, I mean.

For one, it's All Hallows Day, or All Saints' Day.

How appropriate.

The day has also never left me high and dry when it comes to birthday party planning. When all else fails, a Halloween party will suffice.

Which brings me to All Hallows Eve, October 31 2009.

My friends and I got gussied up in sweater dresses and tights and dined at Chili's to celebrate 19 years of my precious existence.

We then decided to visit Little Rock's most notorious haunted house.

The location: an old, abandoned hospital for the mentally insane.

It was a dark chilly night. It was Halloween. It was a mental hospital. The setting was just right.

Chills chased their way up my skin as we walked up the sidewalk towards the entrance. The man at the door taking money was dressed in old patient garb.

Awesome.

We entered into a small room. There were people grouped up in anticipation. I stood behind my friend and fisted the back of her shirt.

"I'm standing behind you the whole time," I informed her.

Then the "tour of the hospital" began.

It was completely dark and I blindly followed my friend.

Half-way into the tour I decided it wasn't that bad. If I kept reminding myself that it "wasn't real," I would be fine.

People would grab my feet.

It's not real.

Objects would fly out.

It's not real.

We finally got to the end of the tour and I relaxed, releasing my friends shirt.

We were laughing at how scared we were when we heard a loud noise.

RRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMM!

I glanced behind me to see a man running towards us with a chainsaw. Terror I had never known filled my body and my feet started moving faster than they ever had.

Everything was whizzing by me.

I was aware of things jumping out to scare me.

Oh no, nothing was stopping me.

I was getting out of there.

My feet continued to propel me forward when,

WHAM!

I ran right into a glass door.

My body flew backwards from the force, knocking my shoes off and ripping my tights in the process.

In a flash, a friend picked me up and drug me as she ran.

"My shoes!" I screamed and ripped away from her.

As I ran towards the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, I realized that I am the dumb blond bimbo in horror movies that people throw popcorn at.

That's me.

I was risking my life (ha-ha) to save my pink flats.

My personal revelation didn't slow me down any. I had my flats scooped up and was back to my friend before the man hacked me to pieces.

We reached the car and looked at each other as the moment came rushing back.

We were breathing heavy and the October air was coming out in wafts of steam.

Then, we burst into hysterical laughter.

I never saw that door coming.

Word Vomit

I'm incapable of forming rational thoughts (and sentences) when around attractive members of the opposite sex. My brain starts shooting out nonsense information which turns into word vomit. Word vomit and bad jokes. Really, really bad jokes that people only laugh at, not with.

I was sitting in the cafeteria with some friends when a really attractive guy (bacon for sure, but that's for another post) sat down beside me.

"My friends were sitting here but I guess they left me."

He said that sentence. All I heard was a choir of angels singing.

"Oh, it's ok, you can sit with us."

In my angel-induced fog, I managed that coherent sentence.

I munched on my salad and he joined in on our conversation about class and how ridiculously packed the caf has been lately because the freshmen haven't figured out that caf food sucks.

When the salad was gone and the rest of us were contemplating real food, I glanced over at his plate.

"Your chicken looks good," I stated, and he put a protective hand over it.

Surely he's joking, I thought, so I added a ridiculous joke:

"Give me your chicken!"

In a high-pitched robotic voice.

Yes, I said robotic. And yes, that was a joke. One of those jokes you laugh at, not with.

Except to him, it wasn't even funny enough to laugh at.

He excused himself and left.

Like I said, word vomit.