[Getting Confident] by Tamzen T., ‘Communal’ Part Three

 

I’d like to tell you about a time that I was positive God was working in my life for a specific reason, when in reality, I couldn’t have been acting more stupid.

Don’t worry, God was still working in my life (I mean, he never really stops, does he?) but not for how I had thought.
By my senior year of high school (oh wow, that was three years ago…) I had never had a “serious” boyfriend. I had one in ninth grade, but once he wrote a poem saying he wanted to kiss me, I kind of bolted. (And then my Chihuahua ate all the chocolate he gave me and miraculously lived.)

But at a church camp retreat, I got to know this guy, we’ll call him Ben, and I started having a crush on him. We exchanged numbers, and I was excited when he texted me the first time. We got to know each other as well as texting would allow, and after a few months and phone calls, he asked me to be his girlfriend.

So, I said yes, because to that point, every guy I’d ever liked had jaded me in some way or another (Maybe someday I’ll tell you about 11th grade prom.) I was going to grab this opportunity and never let go.

Ben was my first real boyfriend, my first kiss. I honestly didn’t want to be kissed until the man I would marry came along, But Ben kissed me, and he grabbed my butt. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do about that; it was my first kiss and no one told me what was supposed to happen. So I let it slide.

The next time I saw Ben (it was long-distance, you see) he grabbed my boobs. I had never felt more disgusted and ashamed of myself. But I didn’t know what to do.

After about six months of dating, Ben told me he had lied about being a virgin. I forgave him, telling myself God was teaching me about forgiveness and love. At the beginning of that summer, we were pretty much back to normal. I was happy, preparing to go to college.

But then, a day before I left for a camp I work at, at which there was no cell phone service, Ben told me he didn’t love me, that I was ugly, he didn’t know why he was attracted to me, and that I was pretty much worthless. And also that he cheated on me twice, with two different girls. Oh, and also he was thinking about being an atheist.

I cried and cried, got sick, lost weight, and was not my normal happy self that week. I begged Ben not to break up with me. He didn’t, and every morning while at camp, I hiked up a mountain to get service so I could text Ben and try to convince him to love me again.

This time, I thought God was teaching me patience.

After that, we never clicked again, but in the moment, I didn’t notice it. We attended the same church camp that summer. I heard that the director of the camp said we were all over each other, which is funny because we were both putting on fronts and drifting away from each other.

I went to college, and this time, it was Ben who was worried about losing me. He was still in high school, and he thought I would meet someone and dump him. (My, how the tables had turned, right?)

Ben got angry at me for not texting him during our college ministry’s devos, for hanging out with people, and for trying to be social. This is where I get to feel like the bad person…I had met this guy, who was the brother of two friends of mine. His birthday came up early in the school year, and I told him I’d bake him a cake with his sister. He was really kind and took me and his sister home. He sat me in the middle of the truck and showed out, and I kind of liked it.

That guy, his sister, another friend, and I hung out one night. Ben told me to not do it, and that he thought I was going to fall for that guy. Little did he know, I did. That night, I broke up with Ben and realized that I was missing out on nice guys, guys who could treat me well.

It’s a long story, but it has a point. I had convinced myself that God was trying to teach me lessons while I was suffering through my relationship with Ben. But really, I was just making excuses. Excuses because I was not confident, I was insecure, and I didn’t have a great self-image.

What God was trying to tell me was to get confident and get out of that relationship. He tried to show me that Ben was not good for me, and that though I could work on forgiveness, I did not have to do that and still suffer. Satan had been telling me that I did.

What I needed was a good, God-fearing, kind man to make me see that. I don’t want you to have to find that out the hard way like I did. I want you to realize that if you’re in a relationship like that, you need to go ahead and realize that God is signaling you to get out of it.

You are worth so much to God, so why would you subject yourself to pain when he wants you to blossom? The Creator wants you to seek him, and find a man who does so also, who strives to be like God. Don’t settle for less.

P.S. The difference between “that guy” and Ben was that I would tell Ben to read a certain Bible verse or chapter, and he would never do it. I told the other guy that in order to get his cake for his birthday, he had to read Romans 12. I brought my Bible with me because I figured he wouldn’t have read it, like Ben. Upon arrival to make the cake, that guy had already read the chapter. We’ve been dating two years now.

 
Tamzen and I grew up going to the same church camp together.
She is a wonderful person inside and out and I am thankful to call
her my real life friend!

She blogs at Tambourine Time.

 

 

That’s a wrap on this round of Communal! Thanks for sharing ladies, and thanks for reading dear readers! I hope this was an encouragement to you in some way—I know that each story touched me and resonated with me in some way.