Fall semester started out rough in Searcy 205, with two of us post-break up and one in a long distance relationship.
It’s been a keep-chocolate-around, eat-ice-cream-out-of-the-carton kind of month so far, with a lot of heart-to-heart’s and tears.
Tonight Milks came into my room and curled up in my plush purple chair.
We listened to Coldplay in silence before I asked, “What’s on your heart, Milks?”
She told me how sad she was over her ended relationship, she told me that it all felt fake, she told me that days before it ended, she had given it up to God and truly believed that He led her to this outcome, to this ending.
Then she said something very profound: “I’m not happy, but I am joyful.”
I pondered that for awhile.
I washed my face and as I scrubbed, I thought about it.
While I brushed my teeth, the idea swished around in my mouth.
I let it marinate in my heart.
Not happy, but joyful.
These past few weeks I have been so focused on getting back to my true ENFP self. My roommate has said to me, “I don’t like it when you’re like this. You’re the happiest person I know, and I don’t know what to do when your sad.”
So I forced it while I continued with my life. I went out and ate gelato, I danced in the car, I played softball, accomplished a 9-mile run, but the sadness never left. It was always in the back of my mind, and I was always trying to force it out.
Be happy, Autumn. You need to get over this and be happy.
Now I’m wondering why that was ever my mentality.
I have a right to be sad. It hurts, and most of the time (if we’re being honest), I’m not happy because it’s constantly on my mind.
That’s okay though, because I am joyful.
I am encouraged by the sunshine, I am blessed by my friends, I am enlightened through God’s word, I am thriving in new experiences that have presented themselves, and my heart is joyful.
As for the happiness, that will come.
And until then, I’ve got the joy.