Driven.

Did you know I have passion?

This passion is why I study my weeks away.

This passion drives me.

Kids & cancer. Kids with cancer.

It touches my heart more than anything else.

Which is why I am working towards my degree for nursing.

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to job shadow at Arkansas Children's Hospital.

We got to choose what floor, so I chose Oncology.

I can't talk specifics (HIPAA and all...) but I can tell you my experience.

I arrived at the hospital one early Saturday morning.

I was SO nervous. What if I hated it? What if I cried?

Would I get any of these babies, who have virtually no immune system, sick?

I checked my insecurities at the door. I could do this.

The first patient I saw was a little bald baby boy, around 9 months old. He had/has Ewing's Sarcoma. The nurse I was following informed me that he would look pretty sick because he had just gotten a bone marrow transplant 3 days before, and they get really sick 3-5 days afterward.

She was right. He did look really sick.

I won't lie--I teared up when he started throwing up his milk. Is anyone ever prepared to see that?

I saw a lot of things that day. A boy with a brain tumor.

Leukemia. I saw Chemotherapy administered.

A little girl died, another moved to PICU.

The nurse I was shadowing kept asking me,

"Are you ok?"

I would say yes, until eventually she asked me,

"Why do you want to be a pediatric oncology nurse?"

I swallowed thickly.

"Because I was told I had cancer, (my story) and ever since then I just knew it was what I wanted to do-- help people who were told the same thing I was told."

She smiled at me and proceeded to tell me that she had leukemia when she was younger, and that was why she was a PON.

And even though it will be a tough job with a lot of terrible days, I know I can do it for my two little heroes--Sophie Quayle & Ethan Powell. I started reading Ethan's blog when he was first diagnosed with cancer. I read it every single day, praying in earnest, dreaming of this 8-week old baby's recovery. I remember the day I read that he died. I cried & cried. I felt like I knew this baby and his family.

I started reading Sophie's blog a few months before she passed away. She had an inoperable brain tumor that slowly took away every ability that a 4 year old should have. Now, I remember her daily with a pink bracelet on my arm. Smiles For Sophie Forever.

I dream of being a light in a family's life- their favorite nurse! I dream of seeing many children leave a hospital in complete remission from a disease that kills 2,300 kids and teenagers every year.

I know this post is sad. It was just sitting on my heart today, though, as I thought about the children I saw at ACH. Are they alive? I will never know, but I choose to believe they are, because

"God is able to do immeasurably more than all we could ask or imagine."

Ephesians 3:20