I’m Not a Perfect Christian And That’s Okay

 
passion 2013

I’m sitting in my favorite coffee shop in town, a quaint old house with original hardwood floors and cozy furniture. Beads of water are rolling down the sides of my frozen dirty chai latte. It’s humid outside, the thunder of an afternoon storm shaking the glass window panes.

I am sitting here, a week out from beginning my fifth and final year of my undergraduate education, reflecting on this summer and the things that I have learned about myself.

I have watched my spiritual life grow weaker and weaker these past few months. I have made choices this summer that I am not proud of.

And I have learned that Satan really isn’t my biggest enemy: I am.

I’m not really a perfectionist in any aspect of my life except for in my Christian walk. If I were staying on the righteous road, only making good choices and rarely sinning, saying my prayers and reading my Scriptures, I felt the absolute closet to God and the Holy Spirit. If I made even one mistake, no matter how small, I quit praying. I quit reading my Scriptures, because I felt like I had failed God.

Yesterday while I was sitting in church, I felt hot tears brim in my eyes because I realized that my mentality, this need to either feel like the “perfect” Christian or no Christian at all, left zero room for what Christ and the Cross ultimately provides: grace.

There are things about myself and my actions these past few months that I am actively going to try and change, but the most radical change I wish to make in my life is to stop giving up on God when I feel like He’s given up on me. Because the truth is, He hasn’t.

I have given up on myself.

So today, during this torrential downpour, I am reading these scriptures with a weak heart, but rejoicing that when I am weak, then I am strong.

“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.” –Ephesians 1:7-8

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
–2 Corinthians 12:9-10

“But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved.”

Today, I Struggle With Never Wanting to Forget

(play song for added dramatization while reading)
 

Today I’m really missing the day I washed my feet in the Sea of Galilee.

Today I’m missing my quiet time of prayer and reflection in the Garden of Gethsemane, with the sun beaming down on me.

Today I miss reading scripture on the Mount of Beatitudes. I miss eating the wild mustard seeds growing. I miss the sun setting.

 

 

“The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed…” (Matthew 13:31)

Today I miss floating in the Dead Sea.

Today I miss sitting on the banks of the Jordan River.

And everyday I struggle with how my life is so different than it was before I traveled the world, and I struggle with how to cope, how to reconcile it with my life now, how to change my walk with Jesus after having walked where he literally did, how to move on, and how to never forget.

Justified Freely by His GRACE

I like when God reveals himself to me in ways I never see coming. I was at a church camp this summer, fulfilling my duty as Arts & Crafts manager, when I looked at the dirt on the ground and found this bracelet.

I picked it up, and with a slight shake, I put it on the craft table for it’s owner to find. Surely this bracelet is special, I thought.

The long, hot summer days of camp rolled by and the bracelet was never claimed. By Saturday, when I was trashing unclaimed crafts, I decided the bracelet was to be mine.

I slipped it onto my wrist and smiled at the word engraved on the medal charm: Grace.

Ever since then, grace has been hard-pressed on my heart. What does it truly  mean, this grace so freely given us?

Grace is getting the overflow of God’s goodness, even when——especially when----we are so undeserving.

Grace is Jesus Christ, in every sense. He is the physical, at once tangible, form of grace. Grace walking around, grace healing, grace loving.

And this grace ensures that no matter what we do, if we His children, we will never die. We will have eternal life.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.

My chains are gone, I’ve been set free.

I Prayed For God To Truly “Use Me” & He Is.

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us in Christ Jesus, so we can do good things he planned for us long ago.” –Ephesians 2:10

Oh my, the plans God is revealing to me.

If you had told me four years ago that I would be going into a profession that centers around kids suffering from chronic illnesses, I would have called you a liar.

If you had told me two weeks ago that I would have an internship this semester at a battered women’s shelter, I would have laughed at you.

God hasn’t just taken me out of my comfort zone. He has pushed me off of a ledge and into a sea of unknowns, and some situations have been hard to deal with.

I found out that the dialysis isn’t working for one of the little boys I worked with in the hospital. It’s been a long and hard battle for him.

Today at the shelter a woman called the hotline but all we heard was screaming before the phone was disconnected.

It’s tough.

Then there are the wonderful things, like the sweet moment when a child gave me a sticker that said, “BFFs Rule!”

Or when I was helping a woman at the shelter pick out clothes, and she thanked me over and over again for being there, for choosing cute clothes, for smiling with her.

I never thought that God’s plans would lead me here, or that my heart could handle all of the stresses/fears/joys that these plans of His have created, but I am so happy that they have.

He truly does know what I need, and I am blessed to be called His masterpiece.

Beautiful Things

You make beautiful things,
you make beautiful things out of the dust.
You make beautiful things,
you make beautiful things out of us.

 

Listen:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am and I love my God, I love those lyrics, I love those people, and I love this life. Blessed. Just so blessed.

He Is Jealous For Me

 

I always seem to have deep spiritual experiences in cars.

It started late in the spring semester of last year.

My friend Katie (commonly known as Milks) would open her car for us. We would lay the front seats down, prop our feet on the dash and turn up How He Loves.

Sometimes we would close our eyes and sing along. Sometimes we would pray, and sometimes we would try to wrap our minds around how incredibly amazing God is, and how much He loves us. Other times, we would sit in silence.

Those were the times I felt His presence most. A time when my heart was so connected to a friend, and to God, that I could have died in that car a very happy girl.

We’ve been separated this summer and I’ve been forced into having those experiences alone. Tonight as I was driving and listening to Our God, I had the overwhelming urge to lift my hands in the air, to close my eyes, and to scream how GREAT our God is, how strong He is, how much higher He is than any other.

He is healer, He is awesome in power, and He is our God. 

 

 

I am and if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?

Look What God Did Today

 

This morning as I was prepping things at work, I looked outside and saw this:

 

It was amazing and reminded me of how great God’s power is.

 

 

 

I am and those clouds are freaky. But cool.

Handed Down From Mount Sinai

Every Sunday while the men pass communion I open my Bible and study, an effort to learn and to ignore my dad’s almost clock-work like asking of “what do you want for lunch?”

Today I happened to open Titus and I noticed a section that I had underlined:

“For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.”
--Titus 2:11-14

I am in awe of a God who loves us so much, of a Savior who gave himself to purify a people his very own.

I am also in awe because God made beautiful places like Mount Sinai and He made beautiful friends of mine who have stood there.

 

 

 

I am Al and I snagged these pictures off of my friends Facebook. I hope she doesn’t think that’s weird. Maybe she’ll never know? Hey Meg, is this ok?

“I would never have thought to do that.”

In Isaiah 55, God says that His ways are higher than our ways, and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts. As high as the heavens are above the earth, so are His thoughts higher than our thoughts.

Francis Chan says, "I wouldn't believe in a God who...

Who would what? Do something you wouldn’t do? Think in a way you wouldn’t think?

Did you ever consider the possibility that maybe the Creator’s sense of justice is actually more developed than yours? And that maybe His love and His mercy is perfect, and you are the one who is flawed?

So when we say things like, “Well God wouldn’t do this would he?” means that we are making His thoughts submissive to our reasoning.”

Humbling.

 

 

 

 

I am Al and “preach it, Chan!”

Thankful on Thursday

It has definitely been one of those weeks when I need to sit back and think of the things I am thankful for. I have been so busy and stressed and tired, and I am constantly reminding myself that I have been blessed so much.

Today,
I am thankful for:

My Iota Chi sisters
Jarah's blog which inspired this post
Dove chocolates & their inspirational quotes
Extra-credit assignments
The warm, sunny weather
Diet Dr.Pepper
Chapel skips (sometimes you need to sleep in. Don't judge me.)
My friend Beth driving up from Texas to visit for the weekend
This song

I am also thankful for Hebrews 12:28-29 which has been in mind for a few weeks now.

"Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our 'God is a consuming fire.'"




Thank goodness it's almost Friday!

Testimony

"I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jesus is the Christ and Savior of the world...that he died for my sins and was resurrected. I know that I am saved by grace and not by works and will inherit heaven upon that principle. I also only know that God hears and answers prayer. I know all this not only by the feeling I have from the inner witness of the Holy Ghost but by the reliability of God's Word, the Bible, which declares it to be so. And, I also know that because of my relationship with Christ, Jesus has changed my life and continues
to bless me."

I am reading a book and this is the woman's testimony. I thought about writing my own, but it would have said the same thing. That I know. I know. I know. that I love and worship a God who is a "consuming fire," (Hebrews 12:29)

What's your testimony?

Psalm 18:30-31

As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield for all who take refuge in him.

For who is God besides the LORD?
And who is the Rock except our God?

God Has Smiled On Me

I have been having one of those weeks. One of those amazing weeks when I know and feel the love God has for me and the love I have for Him. In Bible study on Wednesday night, I almost started crying. The realization of how blessed I am -how much God has smiled on me- can be overwhelming at times.

I am so enjoying the life He has given me. The friends, the family, the joyful times.

I've spent my week laughing with friends,

eating lemon cupcakes,

cheering on my Iota Chi sisters at softball games,

and going to ghetto $2 theatres.

And taking pictures, of course.

"Hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
-Romans 5:5

Or, maybe it was the Dr.Pepper

I didn't sleep a wink last night.

Maybe it was the excitement of leaving for Panama City Beach today.

Maybe it was my over-thinking mind.

Or, maybe it was the Dr.Pepper I downed after working the closing shift.

Around 3:30 I decided I wanted to go running. But I couldn't very well go at 3:30 in the morning. I decided 5 was a decent hour.

I stopped counting sheep and started counting minutes until 5.

At 4:45 when I could wait no longer, I rolled my stiff muscles out of bed and stretched my arms wide. My shoulders cracked. I touched my hand to my toes, holding the stretch and relishing in the delicious way my muscles burned.

I donned my running attire and headed out the door. The sky was dark but the air was buzzing. Birds were chirping and preparing for the day. Morning was upon us.

My arrival at the track went as usual; set water bottle down, mentally prepare myself, turn on RunKeeper, and take off.

I turned on a playlist of slow songs and set a steady pace, soaking up my run and enjoying the mornings first peaks of sunlight.

By lap 4, I needed some water. I gulped some down and went onward, my goal to at least hit 2 miles. By lap 5, I was salivating. A lot. My attempt at spitting landed on my thigh instead of the ground.

Saliva on bare thigh cannot, would not, will not stop this girl. Dare I say, beast? Cannot, would not, will not stop this beast.

So I ran on, finishing up and feeling like the true beast that I am.

I plopped down on the concrete, nursed my bottle of water, and turned on this version of To Build a Home. The sun was coming up, the sky was turning blue, and I felt God's presence all around me.

I longed for my Bible in that moment. To hold God's word and hear Him. Because I felt him, very real and very preset.

I really love morning runs now.

Maybe it was the beautiful sunrise.

Maybe it was God's peaceful presence.

Or, maybe it was the Dr.Pepper.

In case you didn't click the link above for 'this version', I have made it simple for you to listen.


If this was the last piece of music I heard before I died, I would slip away peacefully.

America the Beautiful!

O beautiful for spacious skies, for amber waves of grain. For purple mountain majesties, above the fruited plain!

America! America!

God shed His grace on thee. And crown thy good with brotherhood, from sea to shining sea!

My heart swells with pride to call myself an American.

To live in the land of the free because of the brave.

Thank you to all of the soldiers fighting right now to protect our freedom. My own cousin just returned from Iraq.

I am so proud to be an American.

"Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD, the people he chose for his inheritance."
-Psalm 33:12

Happy 4th of July my fellow Americans!

Love.

The sermon in church today was about love.

Mainly, to love those who don't love you.

To love those who do you wrong, and who do wrong to others.

Even to love those who do wrong in God's name.

It's so easy to say, "I will love my enemy," because really, who has done something so horrible to you that they aren't worth your love? But then we were given an example. There is a group called the Westboro Baptist Church (not to be associated with other Baptist churches) that protest military funerals among other things.

It's hard to love these people. It was making me sick while sitting in church this morning. There were veterans around me crying. And why wouldn't they? Pray for dead soliders? PRAY for more dead children?

"But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for He is kind to the ungrateful and the evil."
—Luke 6:27-35

To drag unknowing children into their picketing of hate blows me away. I so badly want to tell them that God loves everyone. He doesn't punish us by blowing up space shuttles, by having hurricanes kill thousands of people, by war.

"Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins."
--1 Peter 4:8

I don't know what is worse- the acts they are doing (protesting military funerals?!), or that they actually believe they are working in God's name and believing their actions are true.

Pray for this church. Pray for me to love them. Pray for you to love them.

In happier news, it's Stephanie Nielson's 29th birthday and Christian (her husband) opened the comments on her blog. Go wish her the happiest of days. I can't think of someone who deserves it more.