Hungry For Healing: {part 1}

I believe that God gives us struggles so that when we’ve persevered--when we’ve wandered through the desert and reached Living Water—we can turn it into a ministry. In the early days of June 2011, I was coming out of the desert and began writing a series of posts called ‘Hungry For Healing’ about body image. It was my therapy, but I wasn’t ready for it to be someone else’s. I didn’t have the guts to publish it and honestly, I’m not sure if I have the guts to hit that button now, either.

 

“We have, in effect, an Eleventh Commandment.  We have come to believe thinner is healthier, happier, and more beautiful as though it were handed down on Mount Sinai.  But these are not divine truths—they are prejudices with a complex history.  They have led to a false religion that does not deliver what it promises.”
--Roberta Pollack Seid, Never Too Thin: Why Women Are at War with Their Bodies

Hi. My name is Autumn Dixon and I have, for my entire life, struggled with body image issues. Up until a few weeks ago, though, I didn’t recognize that.

I recently read an article by Janna Dean, a practicing therapist specializing in the treatment of eating disorders and other addictions,  in which she said:

“Misconception: Eating disorders are about food, weight and appearance.

Truth: While eating disorders often start with a preoccupation of weight and appearance they are much more complex. Eating disorders are about the loss of self-esteem, constant self-criticism, and painful, unrelenting perfectionism.”

She also talked about the common misconception that a person with an eating disorder has to be emaciated, otherwise they are healthy. But in fact, 70% of people suffering from bulimia are average weight.

And isn’t that true? Isn’t that why I never thought to call my problem an eating disorder? I’m definitely not underweight, so I’m healthy, right?

Wrong.

My body may be of average weight now, and it does fall into the “Healthy” range on the BMI scale, but what did I do to myself in order to get there, to that coveted 24.9 and below?

Ran 4 miles a day, ate less than 800 calories a day, stood in front of the bathroom mirror and absolutely picked myself apart.

That thigh is fat. Your stomach isn’t flat. Ugly. You’re ugly. That’s why you’re single. Lose 20 pounds and someone will like you.

Those were literally my thoughts.

I recognized that I had a problem one night after my roommate and I ordered pizza.

I sat in the bed for half-an-hour after eating and thought over and over, "Go throw it up. Get rid of it. You’re going to gain weight.”

It was then I knew something had to change.

 

 

I didn’t publish this series for your compliments or sympathy. Body image has been on my heart so much lately—mostly because I feel like Satan has been leading me back into the desert. I also believe it helps me to write it out, and maybe to help someone struggling with the same thing.

 

*parts 2-5 to follow