Re: Hungry For Healing

“You have a choice,” I tell the pre-school class I teach on weekday afternoons. “You can choose to put your coat on or you can choose to sit in time-out, but those are your only options.” Most days they choose time-out. I don’t know if they are just full of defiance—testing their boundaries and pushing the (my) limits—or if they simply do not understand that the other choice, that darn coat they hate wearing, is the better choice. And for more than one reason: it keeps you out of that awful time-out chair and it keeps you warm.

Last night I went running for the first time in a few weeks. I told myself that it was because I’ve decided to train for another half-marathon, although the whole time I was running, I was thinking, “Push harder, burn some more calories, [that boy] I like will definitely ask me to a function 10 pounds from now.”

The disappointment in myself set in as I was walking to my car. I felt an all-too familiar sadness that I haven’t felt since last year. I desperately did not want to be in that place again, and so as I started the ignition, I practiced telling myself what I tell my pre-schooler’s every day.

“Autumn, you have a choice. You can choose to get stuck in this rut again and you can believe Satan, or you can choose to know that weight is the least important thing.”

Then I thought, “you also have a responsibility to others, Autumn.” The response to my “Hungry For Healing” series was overwhelming. A month ago I received an email from a girl that goes to my school. She confessed her battles with bulimia and anorexia and then told me, “I really just wanted to stop by and tell you that each time I’ve thought about throwing up I think of you and how pretty you are and how much you glow and that if I 100% give this up I can be happy and glowing like you sooner than if I hold on to this destructive habit. Honestly though, your blog is amazing and has been such a light in my life this past week. I know it sounds cheesy but it’s been huge. I keep reminding myself when I feel down like if Autumn did this, I can too, because your life through pictures and happiness on your blog is so amazing and I want that!”

When I read the email I cried. I felt like the Lord had used me and I also felt a huge responsibility to never sink back into body image depression because if I did, I knew that I would discredit any good that had been done. I felt that I would, anyway, and I’m glad that I felt that way, because it helped me to make a choice.

I drove away from the gym with a decision made: I will love the extra flesh on my stomach, I will rejoice that although I’m never going to be “skinny” enough (for society) I can still run miles, I will not stress over eyebrows that seem to grow together too fast, I will be ok with the fact that my thighs touch.

Hear me, though: this choice has been years in the making, and it changes with the seasons, and it depends on how often I am conversing with the Lord. Hear me: I know that for some women (girl, pre-teens, teenagers) it is not completely up to them. It’s a chemical in the brain, it is a true, true disease.

Whether or not it’s a true disease for me or if it’s just low self-esteem, the Lord intercedes for me and makes me capable of overcoming, although it’s hard sometimes because just like those darn coats that my pre-schooler’s hate wearing, I don’t see the good outcome in the right choice and choose to be defiant; I choose time-out and end up feeling defeated, sad, and fat.

But the beauty in making the right choice comes in instant gratification. It comes in the feeling of weight being lifted off your shoulders. It comes in the joy of feeling zero remorse for eating a spoonful (or two, or three) of icing straight from the can.

I’m not naive enough to believe that last night’s choice will carry me through the rest of my life. I know that there will be days when I feel guilty for every extra calorie. I know there will be days when I compare myself to others in a destructive way.

The difference now is that I know what it feels like to put the coat of high self-esteem on (do you follow my imagery?) and I know the joy of eating guilt-free and I know that the Lord loves me despite it all and I know that one day, a boy will fall in love with every part of me. Even if I don’t have that dang gap between my thighs.

I choose continual recovery.

Hungry for Healing: {epilogue}

Thank you to those who have read this series on body image. It was long and this post was no exception, so I appreciate your investment. If you have questions/comments/or are struggling with similar issues, send me an email. I’d love to chat!

 
“In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die, and where you invest your love, you invest your life.” –Awake My Soul, Mumford & Sons

The past year of my life has been a beautiful journey.

The process of healing my body image issues, studying abroad in Greece, and having a youth ministry internship have been incredibly rewarding experiences. They have each presented unique opportunities and in them I have found much hope, love, and above all, faith.

Traveling to Greece, Turkey, and Israel to explore the Bible lands taught me what’s most important in life, and goodness did I fall in love with Jesus in a different type of way because I’ve had the experience of walking in his footsteps, quite literally. Tack on a group of 30 friends walking with you in pursuit of Jesus and the healing and growing is seemingly unstoppable.

Most interestingly to me, though, is why I had the feeling to publish this series now, a year after I wrote it. I never planned on publishing it. I didn’t want the attention/embarrassment of airing out an issue so deep in my heart. But still, I kept coming back to it until I finally clicked Publish and slammed my laptop closed.

Now I know exactly what God was doing.

Writing it was soup for my soul, sure, but nothing compares to hearing that it’s helping someone else. A girl in the youth group I am ministering to this summer came to me last night, tears brewing in her blue eyes, and said, “I don’t know what to do. I’m so insecure. All of these girls are beautiful and skinny and have boyfriends.”

It shocked me how verbatim her words were in comparison to how I used to feel.

While I can’t say that I have only positive thoughts about my body now, I can say that I have seen the light at the end of the tunnel and have heard the sweet whisper of Jesus in my ear, who tells me that we’re all wonderfully made.

And had I not ever gone through this, I wouldn’t have been able to sit on a bench with that sweet girl last night and explain to her that I know. I know. But it’s not true, those are Satan’s lies, and size 4 or size 16, she is beautiful. I am beautiful. YOU are beautiful.

My experience is not yours, and we won’t overcome in the same way. Jesus Christ was my saving grace, as He always is. If you don’t know him—if you haven’t learned of his absolute love for you—please seek him, because He’s waiting to flood your heart and mind with peace, hope, love, gratitude, confidence, and worth.

And that is how I overcame.

Hungry For Healing: {part 4}

I believe that God gives us struggles so that when we’ve persevered--when we’ve wandered through the desert and reached Living Water—we can turn it into a ministry. In the early days of June 2011, I was coming out of the desert and began writing a series of posts called ‘Hungry For Healing’ about body image. It was my therapy, but I wasn’t ready for it to be someone else’s. I didn’t have the guts to publish it and honestly, I’m not sure if I have the guts to hit that button now, either.

(part 1) (part 2) (part 3)

 
“You alone created my inner being. You knitted me together inside my mother. I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made. Your works are miraculous, and my soul is fully aware of this.”
--Psalm 139:13-14

The late spring brought in a fresh beginning—fragrant flowers, warm sunshine and a personal new state of mind.

I was experiencing a wave of spiritual maturity and working, always working, on finding a balance between being weight-obsessed and the simple desire to be healthy. I was training hard for a half-marathon, a goal I had laid out for myself to run before my 21st birthday, November 1st.

The hard training I was doing—late nights on the track and early morning runs—was extremely gratifying. I felt capable, like with each pounding stride I was getting closer and closer to my goals and proving that even if I wasn’t (and would never be) a size 4, I could still clock 8 miles. Easy.

As the summer rolled on and the heat blazed, a new relationship started to take shape and form. It was that guy, the one who (unknowingly) kick-started this journey for me. We dated, and although it didn’t last long, our relationship taught me many things—some bad, mostly good. But the number one thing I walked away from it with was peace.

I had gotten what was, at the time, the most seemingly important thing to me: the boy. And at the time, my mind could have gone one of two ways; he’s breaking up with me because I’m not “well known” in our private university atmosphere/hot/cool and I’m losing everything, or I could look at it as an opportunity seized, but one that wasn’t working out.

I give credit to God that I recognized that we just didn’t work as a couple and it had nothing to do with the superficial things I believed about myself.

He liked me for me until he didn’t anymore, and that was fine.

The seasons began to change again, chilly weather and orange leaves, and with it another new state of mind:

I liked me for me.

 

 

*part 5 to follow, where I wrap this up nicely. You have all been kind. I cannot thank you enough.

Hungry For Healing: {part 3}

I believe that God gives us struggles so that when we’ve persevered--when we’ve wandered through the desert and reached Living Water—we can turn it into a ministry. In the early days of June 2011, I was coming out of the desert and began writing a series of posts called ‘Hungry For Healing’ about body image. It was my therapy, but I wasn’t ready for it to be someone else’s. I didn’t have the guts to publish it and honestly, I’m not sure if I have the guts to hit that button now, either.

(part 1) (part 2)

 

"We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil."
--Stasi Eldredge (Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul)

So I had lost the weight, where was this happiness promised?

That was where I was standing in April of 2011--thinner than I had ever been and waiting for what The World had promised me: joy, a boyfriend, the end of my weight-centered thoughts.

It never came, though, and I knew that I had missed it.

I couldn’t get past the heavy thoughts of how heavy I was because my mind was still in my 13-year old body, hearing the horrible nickname of “Tubby” on the school bus and constantly siding with anyone—everyone—but God when it came to my self-worth.

Still deep into the disorder and hating my body, hating that he still didn’t like me and hating that I wasn’t happy with myself, I prayed.

“God, help me find a worth that is far more than this weight.”

It was only a few days later that I was sitting in a coffee shop with a new friend, Claire, who was born with a birthmark on her face.

She knew about the struggle with self-image and was unknowingly becoming the answer to my prayers.

Not only had she struggled with body-image issues, but she is deeply in love with her Savior.

I felt God when I talked to her and I knew it was because the Spirit was working through her to give me the peace that I had so desperately prayed for only days before.

We talked a lot about self-confidence in the birth of our friendship and I saw the difference in Claire and I: she had found her worth in Christ.

I hadn’t. To me, my worth was in a number of other things—the number on the scale and my relationship status—but in Christ? Sadly, not at all.

It became my goal to change that.

If I could just be like Claire, I’d think. There I was again, comparing myself to yet another girl, but there was a difference. I wasn’t envious of her physical attributes, beautiful as she is. I was envious of her relationship with God, and that was new for me.

So it was also in April of 2011 that I began to stumble into finding freedom in Christ, and in part, I owe it Claire.

Love you Claire-bear. So happy to be roommates this fall!

 

*parts 4-5 to follow

Hungry For Healing: {part 2}

I believe that God gives us struggles so that when we’ve persevered--when we’ve wandered through the desert and reached Living Water—we can turn it into a ministry. In the early days of June 2011, I was coming out of the desert and began writing a series of posts called ‘Hungry For Healing’ about body image. It was my therapy, but I wasn’t ready for it to be someone else’s. I didn’t have the guts to publish it and honestly, I’m not sure if I have the guts to hit that button now, either.

(Part 1)

 “The body holds meaning. When we probe beneath the surface of our obsession with weight we will find a woman obsessed with her body is expressing a serious concern about the state of her soul.” (Kim Chernin, author of The Hungry Self: Women, Eating and Identity and The Obsession: Reflections on the Tyranny of Slenderness)

I feel like I should backtrack. This obsession, these toxic thoughts about my body, started when I was a child.

My sister has always been thin. She was popular, beautiful, and always had a boyfriend.

When we would shop, the clothes would always fit her. Never me.

When my brother had friends over, they would always ask him about his “hot sister.”

My grandmother would suggest I “go for a walk.”

The unpopularity, the tight-fitting clothes, my brother’s dumb friends and my grandmothers remarks only relayed one message to me: You’re fat.

And so it was, throughout my entire adolescence.

I experimented with fad diets and would lose a few pounds.

The root of the problem, though, wasn’t in food—whether or not I was eating it, or keeping it down.

No, it was deeper, nestled into the core of my soul and shredding my self-confidence one day at a time.

Then, in the birth of my collegiate career, I met a guy.

It was one of those relationships that was strictly friends. He was amazing and cool and way out of my league.

But I wanted to be in his league. I just wanted him to notice me like I’d always noticed him, so I started dieting.

I became obsessed with exercise and counting every calorie. I weighed myself religiously, sometimes three times a day.

It worked. In four month I had lost 25 pounds and dropped three pant-sizes.

My roommate would occasionally ask, “Are you eating enough?”

My friends would remark, “Autumn, you look great!”

To me, “Are you eating enough?” and the compliments of how “great” I looked were all the encouragement I needed to keep doing what I was doing.

Other people were noticing, and in my head that meant one thing: he would too.

 

I appreciate your encouraging feedback. Please know that my spirit is no longer in this dark place. These posts were written last spring/summer, but I believe there is healing in sharing. Even if pushing Publish yesterday made me want to vomit.

 

*parts 3-5 to follow

Hungry For Healing: {part 1}

I believe that God gives us struggles so that when we’ve persevered--when we’ve wandered through the desert and reached Living Water—we can turn it into a ministry. In the early days of June 2011, I was coming out of the desert and began writing a series of posts called ‘Hungry For Healing’ about body image. It was my therapy, but I wasn’t ready for it to be someone else’s. I didn’t have the guts to publish it and honestly, I’m not sure if I have the guts to hit that button now, either.

 

“We have, in effect, an Eleventh Commandment.  We have come to believe thinner is healthier, happier, and more beautiful as though it were handed down on Mount Sinai.  But these are not divine truths—they are prejudices with a complex history.  They have led to a false religion that does not deliver what it promises.”
--Roberta Pollack Seid, Never Too Thin: Why Women Are at War with Their Bodies

Hi. My name is Autumn Dixon and I have, for my entire life, struggled with body image issues. Up until a few weeks ago, though, I didn’t recognize that.

I recently read an article by Janna Dean, a practicing therapist specializing in the treatment of eating disorders and other addictions,  in which she said:

“Misconception: Eating disorders are about food, weight and appearance.

Truth: While eating disorders often start with a preoccupation of weight and appearance they are much more complex. Eating disorders are about the loss of self-esteem, constant self-criticism, and painful, unrelenting perfectionism.”

She also talked about the common misconception that a person with an eating disorder has to be emaciated, otherwise they are healthy. But in fact, 70% of people suffering from bulimia are average weight.

And isn’t that true? Isn’t that why I never thought to call my problem an eating disorder? I’m definitely not underweight, so I’m healthy, right?

Wrong.

My body may be of average weight now, and it does fall into the “Healthy” range on the BMI scale, but what did I do to myself in order to get there, to that coveted 24.9 and below?

Ran 4 miles a day, ate less than 800 calories a day, stood in front of the bathroom mirror and absolutely picked myself apart.

That thigh is fat. Your stomach isn’t flat. Ugly. You’re ugly. That’s why you’re single. Lose 20 pounds and someone will like you.

Those were literally my thoughts.

I recognized that I had a problem one night after my roommate and I ordered pizza.

I sat in the bed for half-an-hour after eating and thought over and over, "Go throw it up. Get rid of it. You’re going to gain weight.”

It was then I knew something had to change.

 

 

I didn’t publish this series for your compliments or sympathy. Body image has been on my heart so much lately—mostly because I feel like Satan has been leading me back into the desert. I also believe it helps me to write it out, and maybe to help someone struggling with the same thing.

 

*parts 2-5 to follow