Joyful Joyful

 

Fall semester started out rough in Searcy 205, with two of us post-break up and one in a long distance relationship.

It’s been a keep-chocolate-around, eat-ice-cream-out-of-the-carton kind of month so far, with a lot of heart-to-heart’s and tears.

Tonight Milks came into my room and curled up in my plush purple chair.

We listened to Coldplay in silence before I asked, “What’s on your heart, Milks?”

She told me how sad she was over her ended relationship, she told me that it all felt fake, she told me that days before it ended, she had given it up to God and truly believed that He led her to this outcome, to this ending.

Then she said something very profound: “I’m not happy, but I am joyful.”

I pondered that for awhile.

I washed my face and as I scrubbed, I thought about it.

While I brushed my teeth, the idea swished around in my mouth.

I let it marinate in my heart.

Not happy, but joyful.

These past few weeks I have been so focused on getting back to my true ENFP self. My roommate has said to me, “I don’t like it when you’re like this. You’re the happiest person I know, and I don’t know what to do when your sad.”

So I forced it while I continued with my life. I went out and ate gelato, I danced in the car, I played softball, accomplished a 9-mile run, but the sadness never left. It was always in the back of my mind, and I was always trying to force it out.

Be happy, Autumn. You need to get over this and be happy.

Now I’m wondering why that was ever my mentality.

I have a right to be sad. It hurts, and most of the time (if we’re being honest), I’m not happy because it’s constantly on my mind.

That’s okay though, because I am joyful.

I am encouraged by the sunshine, I am blessed by my friends, I am enlightened through God’s word, I am thriving in new experiences that have presented themselves, and my heart is joyful.

As for the happiness, that will come.

And until then, I’ve got the joy.

 

 

August 31, 2011: You Were Good to Me

I want to remember today, because today things started looking up.

Today brought: warmth and sunshine, Sonic Happy Hour runs and goofy times with friends.

Today I: ran 8 miles (holla!), made a Nutella wrap with diced strawberries inside, didn’t get a parking ticket, and sang How He Loves on a swing with my sweet friend.

Today someone: asked me how I was, to which I said, “Well it wasn’t the first thing I thought about yesterday, but it was today. So there’s that."

Today I am so thankful for: Harding, amazing friends, prayer, long talks, and meaningful hugs.

Today I read this quote:

“Wherever your challenges lead you, there is something to learn there.”

What I’ve learned?

That I am ridiculously blessed beyond anything I can ever deserve. God has truly given me the best family, the best friends, the greatest experiences--just a beautiful, beautiful life.

 

 

I am and like I said, things are looking up.

Break-up Survival 101

Top 10 things you need to get you through:

1. Sweatpants

Or Nike shorts. Just something comfortable. I opted for my purple skinny-leg sweats, but it varies from break-up to break-up.

2. A playlist

If you’re anything like me, during the Sad stage you’ll want to break out the ultra-depressing music. I’ve got Warning Sign, We Never Change, and A Message by Coldplay on a continuous loop. And To Build a Home for good measure. But mostly Warning Sign. Listen, you’ll understand.

For the Angry stage, it’s all about Best Thing You Never Had and angry rap music.

3. Friends

You need friends that will drop their weekend plans to join you on the couch to cry. Thankfully, I live with three of those. And I have my four best friends from home who offered to drop everything and drive to my college with Ben and Jerry. Yes, these are the people you need. (Sorry, my friends are taken.)

4. Food

Food, food and more food, but just for the Shock stage. My Shock stage included Domino’s pizza and homemade oreo’s in mass quantities. As for the Sad stage, you won’t be able to stomach food so don’t even try. It’s a waste of money. (There’s $5 of DCB I’ll never see again.)

5. Cry

Don’t try to be strong. Let it out, honey. I only cried once on the day of. Saturday…well, I didn’t sleep at all that night and then I sobbed for the rest of the day. It’s therapeutic, even if it sucks.

6. Activities

This is probably the most crucial part: stay busy. DO NOT lay in the bed all day and think about it. I baked cookies and then my friends took me to the lake where we cliff-jumped, swam and tanned.

 

7. Exercise

Exercise is great for 2 stages: Shock and Anger. During Shock, running can help you process the information. During Anger, running can keep you from killing someone.Plus it burns off that pizza and oreo’s.

8. Drive

Going for a drive is the best way to cover a lot of bases: girl, listen to the Playlist, eat some oreo’s, and cry at the same time. In your sweatpants. Quadfecta. (I just made that word up.)

9. Clean

It’s sort of symbolic if you think about it—clean everything around you. Vacuum, wash dishes, scrub the shower, wash the laundry. Get everything gross out of the way (symbolically: sad/pathetic feelings) and put everything where it belongs (symbolically: good feelings/life back in order).

10. God

This is most important. If anyone can take your pain away, it’s your Father. He cares about your problems, even if a break-up seems trivial to third-world hunger and Hurricane Irene. His affections are great for you, and that is the most amazing thing.

 

 

 

I am and I’m on the prowl.

Words I Couldn’t Say

This is long. This is a lot of word vomit. This is how I feel right now. I didn’t edit anything out or re-read it. Sometimes I hate that my blog is so public to people that I know in real life because pushing Publish on this post would be a lot easier if it wasn’t. But I process things through writing…that’s just how I do. In the end, I’m always going to be as candid as possible here.

Throughout our entire relationship I had a hard time being open.

Maybe it’s because I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I had been told you were out of my league for so long that I let those words seep into the deepest part of me.

I couldn’t give everything to you because I knew deep down that things couldn’t last. Not with me putting you so far above me.

I tried, I really did.

One day I knew I was beginning to trust you more when something exciting happened and my first thought was, “I can’t wait to tell him about this.”

As soon as those feelings came though, you started to check out.

You were always busy and you never wanted to hang out, and I knew that what I had always expected to happen was happening.

That’s why I took it so well today. I expected it, it was no surprise to me.

One of the only things that makes me mad about everything is that for you, this was just a relationship that lasted a little over a month and you don’t have that much to get over.

You started to like me over the summer, pursued that, we dated, and as quickly as all of that happened you were done.

Which is fine. If you want out, if it just wasn’t there for you, that’s ok, and you don’t need to feel bad about that.

But I liked you for two years. Two years. And I never pursued a relationship with you. I had decided being your friend was better than risking telling you my feelings and ruining the friendship we had.

You liked me for two minutes and told me, and I told you how I had always felt. That’s when you should have realized that dating you wasn’t a small thing to me. It was a big, big deal.

And you went for it.

As for everything else, I’m not mad at you. I still think you are a wonderful, wonderful guy and at this point, I don’t regret dating you.

I don’t know if I’ll post this. You may never even read it, and it’s more for me than anything. I guess in the end, I just want you to know that I did care. Do care.

I tried to hide that because I wanted to be the one that handled it well. But I don’t want you to translate that into me not caring, because I did. Do.

I’m sorry that this was the realest I ever got with you.